Principles of good gifts
September 30th, 2021
The whole reason this site exists is because I overthink gifts. Here are some ways I overthink them.
No gift fulfills all of these principles, but they might help you decide whether something’s a good gift. Fundamentally, a gift should say “I know you and care about you”; these are ways to achieve that.
Good gifts…
Are not things
I think we’d all be happier if we defaulted to giving activities/experiences/intangibles. They don’t take up any space; physically or mentally. If a gift misses the mark - no big deal, it’s gone.
Consumables are a good middle ground here. Buy someone a foul-smelling soap, and they can use it up. Buy them a repulsive vase, and they have to keep it until their cat knocks it off the counter or they can regift it to someone with hideous taste. And then there’s residual guilt: the vase kinda failed. But the soap still cleaned your hands, even if you didn’t enjoy it.
Are wanted
You’d think this goes without saying, but no. A gift is about your recipient. It lines up with their taste or their interests; it’s useful to them. It’s not a burden; it fits into their life. They don’t own it already. Do not gift unto others as you would have them gift unto you: their tastes might not be the same.
Make sure the gift doesn’t embody your desires for the person. For instance: a regular gym-goer might like receiving workout clothes. Workout clothes will land very differently if your motivation was “my inactive friend should exercise more.”
Produce an “Ooh”
Your recipient should say “Ooh” when they open it. It doesn’t really matter what kind of “ooh” you generate.
- “Ooh, how luxurious!”
- “Ooh, how did you know I wanted this?”
- “Ooh, how unusual!”
- “Ooh, you know me so well!”
Include a story
What’s the difference between Starbucks and your local indie coffee shop? You can visit a Starbucks anywere in the world, but your local place is unique. The differences make it special.
Your gift’s story doesn’t need to be expansive. “My city has an indie store”, or “I bought this at a craft fair”, or “This chocolate won taste awards three years running”, or “I thought you’d like this book, so when I saw the author was signing copies I attended”.
This is easier when travelling: almost everything you buy comes with a story automatically, as long as you’re not in a tourist boutique.
The story might not even be the gift itself. Think back through your own life: what are the vivid memories? Probably some landmark gifts - your first bicycle or first games console - but surely the warmth of friendship is the dominant feeling? I once received a ukulele, and it’s been played by Amanda Palmer, but the uke is not that special. The special part is the memory of my friend Robyn appearing unexpectedly at my door, 120 miles from their home, wearing a long robe and a costume beard to surprise me for my birthday.
Don’t duplicate existing items
Let’s face it: most adults have enough coffee mugs and tea towels. I’ve lived in Canada for six years now: I own a hat and gloves1. These are not good gifts for me.
It’s OK to violate this if the gift’s an obvious upgrade. If someone cooks with dollar store knives, then IKEA kitchen knives are a major improvement. But make sure they want to be upgraded: people can have surprisingly strong emotional bonds with things they use every day, even if those things came from Dollarama.
Fit into their life
Does your recipient have a Kallax full of vinyl? Go ahead, buy them an LP. They’ll appreciate it. Do they rent a small room, and have to move every year? Maybe skip it, and the coffee table book too. Furniture is right out, unless they specifically request it. Intangible gifts like gig tickets are better.
Similarly, think about the other people in the recipient’s life. I’m not saying you can’t buy that toddler a drumkit - just think about their parents first.
Lastly, you’re on shaky ground if your gift needs the recipient to change their habits or disrupts their routine. If they never read magazines, a weekly subscription might sit unused. If they have a coffee subscription already and you give them a bag of beans, you’ll throw them off.
Are not too expensive
There’s a sweet spot for spending with gifts. Too little, and you’re giving junk. Junk can be OK - as a stocking filler, as a gift for kids, or as an “I saw this and thought of you” gift. But it’s not good for Christmas or birthdays.
Too expensive is also a risk. I lost a $30 fountain pen this year, and I felt like an idiot for being so careless. If it had been a $700 Montblanc2, I would be distraught. Expensive items have an emotional weight, magnified when they’re received as a gift. I try to take good care of my $20 chef’s knife, but if I drop it or chip it: no big deal. I can use it as a tool without worrying. A $200 chef’s knife would stress me out. I always worry about permanently burning my partner’s $350 Le Creuset pot when I use it. There’s a freedom in inexpensiveness.
Prioritise quality
I like chocolate. An ethical, good quality chocolate bar for £20 is an ideal gift for me. I’m not going to spend that much on chocolate for myself, so it’s a nice treat. And a few days after I’ve opened it: it’s gone. It doesn’t take up any more physical or mental room.
But my mother’s love language is quantity. She’ll buy 10 chocolate bars for £2 each. She’s spent the same, and I receive a lot more chocolate. But it’s a burden. My cupboard is full of the chocolate; I will spend months eating it.
Quality over quantity.
Bad gifts…
Are relentlessly practical
Practical gifts are great - ideal, even - but you can go too far with this. Windscreen wiper blades are a bad gift.
There are a few ways to make a relentlessly practical gift work:
- An accessory to another gift. Shoe polish is a bad gift; shoe polish given along with a new pair of shoes is great.
- Thematically appropriate. Nappies are a bad gift, generally; nappies are a good gift at a baby shower.
- Combined into a kit. Windscreen wiper blades are a bad gift. But combine them with some wiper fluid, an air freshener, and a windscreen cleaning cloth: now you’re giving a “refresh your car” kit. Put it in a nice container for maximum effect.
Are tactless
Men: do not give your female partners unsolicited fitness equipment or kitchen appliances for Christmas.
Fall into the enthusiast gap
Your recipient has a passion. Knitting, or wine, or pens, or makeup. Whatever it is: remember they’re an enthusiast. That means:
- They have opinions about their thing.
- They spend way more money than you do on their thing.
You might think it’s ludicrous to spend £30 on a single bar of chocolate, and supermarket brands are perfectly fine. You might even be right! But that doesn’t matter for gifts. There’s a chasm between “What you think is good value” and “what your enthusiast recipient thinks is worth spending”. You must skew towards the latter.
Enthusiasts are often very specific, too. There are probably general “computer game” fans out there, but chances are they’re into RPGs, or racing games, or first-person shooters, or one specific game - or even one specific gameplay mode in one specific game. Figure out the details! In many ways, part of your gift is “I temporarily cared about your interests as deeply as you do.”
General tips
Ask them what they want
You can ask! It’s OK to say “Hey, I don’t know what to get you - any suggestions? What are you into these days?”. Or (jokingly) threaten them: “Can you give me some gift suggestions? Otherwise I’ll buy you the most hideous jumper I can find.”
A white lie might help you get more info if you want to keep your gift a surprise. (“What camera brand do you use again? I’m thinking about getting one.”)
Enlist a conspirator
You might not know if they already own your potential gift, or what brands/flavours they love/hate. But their partner, best friend, or housemate will.
Don’t gift crap
Many gifts are wasteful. Offensively so. Just look at this.
A tree died for the box. Metal was processed into foil. It was probably made in China, and shipped across the ocean. And what’s the payoff? Maybe a little giggle. You’ll piss off your cat if you try to make them wear it. You could make this at home for under a dollar, but the gag is the box, not the hat. You can’t display it on a shelf. At best, it sits in a drawer forever; at worst, it’s immediately thrown away. I guess it’s recyclable. Cutesy figurines are objectively a useless lump of plastic - but you can at least form an animistic emotional bond with them.
Even if they’re not gags, some items are too low-quality for gifts. A dollar store penknife is terrible: poorly made from soft metals. So skip it: either spend more and get something well made, or find something that costs $4 but is good quality (like chocolate).
Keep a list
I once gave my stepmum a DVD for Christmas. This was right in her wheelhouse, but she seemed reacted lukewarmly when she opened it. “Is it OK?” I asked, “I thought this would be right up your street.”
“Well, it is,” she replied. “But you gave it to me last year, too.”
Keeping a list of what you got people can save you from cringing this hard - and looking back on previous years might trigger inspiration for the present.